I'll do anything to avoid what I love.

My people. Hi. Oy. Huh? Ok. Geez. 

Had a hard time pushing through to write this cause I don't know what the thoughts are, don't know what life is, or the future or next week, like all of you, I suppose, to varying degrees. Trying to allow myself to be sad, bummed, scared, bewildered and frustrated while also deeply grateful for my safety, security and family. It's a necessary mind gymnastic that I am, in my best moments, mediocre at. So, I daily boomtooty from one moment to the next grasping to whatever nuggets of hope and optimism I can. One of my favorite quotes is from Beckett, "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." Been practicing all kinds of failures with my days and getting real good at it. I miss the boys. They are in good wonderful loving hands with many animal new friends, but I feel I've abandoned them for the moment and it daily feels wretched, bad bad, and not good. Trying to find the way back to them, the new conceived remainder of Horse Tour, but have yet to realize a clear path that's following the guidelines.   

Before I continue, if you are in a position where you have any extra dollars and would like to help one of the many groups in need during this insane time, please consider donating to one of these awesome reliable organizations. I got this list from my host and friend Carol who knows things and has her finger on the pulse of which orgs make good use of money and which not so much.

To help farm workers who are doing work for all of us and have largely been left out of Covid aid
To help domestic workers 
To help restaurant workers
To battle domestic violence (which has skyrocketed since Covid)
To help people who are houseless

If you've got a bit of extra time consider participating in this awesome project that is part of timeslips, a stupendous organization my host Carol works for.  TimeSlips works with older folks In nursing homes and care communities to engage them creatively. This project has folks all of the world sending postcards to people in homes who can’t have visitors. Postcards with a hopeful poem, a beautiful question or a drawing. It's simple and easy and means a lot to those that receive them. I'm gonna do three today!

This was my horse project board featured in one of my theater shows a ways back. Pretty fun to put it together. Twas mainly an illustrative prop with a smattering of useful reminders, but always gave me great joy. The Hippohorsemus was always very powerful to me. See if you can find him! On the board or in real life.

Gus and Troubadour wondering "Where did the Gideon go? And why didn't he bring us?" also, as usual, "When is dinner?". Any look these guys give includes the subtext of, "When is dinner?".

Very honored for my tea towels to be a part of the ever expanding face mask fashions. Don't worry I won't do any price gouging as the demand surges. I did order 500 new Horse Tour tea towels from a producer in India. Since their shutdown haven't heard anything. Might just be delayed a few weeks, or months, or years.

Gus and Troub getting to know their new temporary neighbors. Their host Jane says Amigo is the little black stallion who gives my guys a hard time, but they’ve gotten to be friends (sort of) and it’s fun to watch all three racing up and down their respective sides of the fence line together. Across the other fence from my boys are: Savannah, their mare (QH Belgian Draft cross), Cruz (Spanish Barb), Willie, their newest horse (Canadian Hancock/Morgan/Percheron cross), John, rescued/retired government pack mule (worked Yosemite & Grand Canyon), Quill and Jasper, rescued burrows (aka donkeys). Jane says the boys have herded up with their gang. And while she's sure they miss me she also thinks they'll miss their new friends when they move on.

Just in the last month of traveling with them I noticed I'd find them laying down much more often at night. It's been explained to me that they lay down more when they are comfortable. I was so pleased that they started laying down on the trail, near train tracks, roads, on the mountain, etc. Felt like their brains finally clicked and they understood that even though they were in a new spot, the new spot was not gonna kill ‘em and they could relax a bit.

I've been catching up on data entry from my touring maps. I found nine fully loaded maps I had yet to catalogue. Folks write down contacts of friends they think might enjoy hosting. I have over 3,000 contacts in 82 countries. I slowly decipher all the handwriting and log the info into spreadsheets. I've sorta become a handwriting expert over the years to decode peoples drunken scrawl. Once in a while I come across a contact written in block letters with impeccable clarity and I'm overcome with gratitude.

The instructions are to draw a line from the place, write your friends name, their contact, and "from" your name and contact. sixty percent of people do that. The remaining forty percent have their own creative interpretation of the instructions and I do my detective work, best I can, to figure their intended meaning. There is this one category of contacts I call "The Impossibles". That's when someone draws a line from a big city in a big country and they write, for example, "Vladimir Petroska" and that's it. I've got to find this particular Vladimir in Russia? Somehow? Occasionally I don't even get a last name! Every once in a blue moon someone writes a first name on my map, "Carla", with no line connecting to a place, no info, no last name. Just "Carla" floating out there in the baby blue of the map ocean waiting for a home show that will never find her. These map contributors have surely come to add their two cents later in the evening after getting hammered, tanked, wasted, plastered, canned, juiced-up, fried or loaded. 

Data entry is both the bane of my existence and an oasis of deep peace and satisfaction. There is nothing creative or interesting about it. Most of these contacts I'm logging will never become shows and it takes endless hours to process a map. I have over 30 maps packed with folks suggestions. Spreadsheets make me feel like a robot. It does not exercise any part of my mind or heart and yet it is the fuel that allows me to continue this job I love. These connections are my venues, my future friends, the homes that will eventually welcome me. Maybe my life partner is in one of these homes, or my nemesis or a mentor and thats exciting. Sometimes I like data entry too much. It's the easy part of this gig. It doesn't scare me, there is no challenge or failure or triumph in the mix. Nothing at risk. I'm just a monkey filling up a bottle with grains of rice.

Sometimes I'm too in the mountain of administration that this gig requires ‘cause it distracts me from what my job really is, to make shows. That's the hard and scary part. I have no idea what I'm doing despite having done it. I don't feel I know how to play things or write things or envision a show. That I have done these things does not alleviate this feeling. Is this dumb? Yes, but alas it's the twisted experience of my mind. I'll do anything to avoid what I love which is singing and making shows ‘cause feeling bewildered and ungrounded in the creative process is so strange and upsetting. A friend of mine played in broadway orchestras and with philharmonics for years. Top of his game. He said he threw up and was shaking before he went on stage every night for decades until recently. I asked what got him over that? He said it just took 63 years, that's just how long it took me. I hope I can find peace in the process of making things a bit sooner than that. I know the missing ingredient for me. It's a practice, a rhythm, a schedule and being accountable to not just myself. These were huge elements in keeping the horse tour alive and things I am trying to maintain in this curious limbo state. 

When I was 12 I dated Marina for two weeks before she dumped me ‘cause we were "moving too fast." I was constantly bringing up the possibility of kissing and drove her away. I was devastated and wept for days. Didn't really see her after middle school. When we were 19 I heard through a mutual friend that she got in a bad bicycle accident. I heard she might not make it and I wrote her a couple notes just thinking of her wishing her well. Then she survived after two brain surgeries! I carried those notes around in a journal for a couple years and finally tracked her number down to see if I could send them to her. A few years after that we lived near each other in Oakland and became dear friends. Just so happens Marina has been working in various natural horsemanship circles for many moons and she was in the Tucson area for a horse workshop at the same time I was passing through. We met up and played with horses and she got to show me just a bit of what she's learned. The boys took to her right away. From heartbreak to horse connecting in just 21 years! Marina recently started a job delivering food to people in the Bay Area pandemic style. Thank you Marina!

I'm decent at making new friends, even feeling close to folks on the road rather quickly. But I deeply miss my old friends while traveling, and I miss them now. One of my dearest, Ewen Wright, crossed our path while he was on the road. Having a meal with him was like taking a bubble bath, running through a field of lilies, and watching a rainbow get divided into a double rainbow by a lightning bolt at once. Regular contact with close friends is a thing I deeply long for in this odd wonderful life I've chosen. So many friends that always somehow are somewhere else. I do not like that feeling. Ewen made my music videos and many other glorious videos, this one's my favorite and he's currently been posting a stupendous sourdough tutorial on his instagram.

In the bottom photo you can see my host Sharon of the Triangle L Ranch in Oracle, AZ. If passing through and looking for a great spot to stay I'd highly recommend it. It's an historic b-&-b with an epic sculpture garden that Sharon has been curating for 20+ years. At night the garden is glowing with all the bizarro curious works glimmering betwixt the cactus and stars. I didn't get too many shots of the artwork, but in the green light Sharon and I are standing in her favorite piece called "The Glass Castle," which was made of rebar and over 700 wine bottles. Green LEDs reflects through the bottles at night and elevate the whole structure in perfect lime twinkles. Twas a strange magic. 

Sharon took such good care of me and the horses. At first we were expecting maybe 15 people at the show and we had over 50 packed in tight including her 93 year old mother! Unfortunately her mum was just seven years shy of my special merch discount for centenarians, but still an honor to have her.

Since I haven't had my best buds with me I've been spending a lot of time with Inge on the left and this bottle of tequila. Inge is rolling his eyes at me all the time, but he's a good drinking pal and a helluva whistler. One of my mentors and friends, Jenny Inge, gave me this lil guy years ago. A toy she'd had since 1952. People give me weird stuff all the time and I love it. I must emit a “give me your weird shit” kinda vibe. If you've got any weird shit you want me to have let me know. I will befriend it.

My cousins from Los Angeles happened to be crossing my path and we went to the rodeo. They were flabbergasted by the cultural experience. Rodeo is just about as un-LA as you can get.

My host Richard McQuery hitchhiked across the world in 1962 with his Gibson acoustic guitar and his cowboy hat. I got to borrow that same guitar for my show. He wrote this book called Cowboy Troubadour, full of beautiful humorous tales from his childhood and his cowboy poetry. Richard is 81 and strong as an ox. A couple years ago he came off his horse, shattered his pelvis and got a bunch of steel rods and pins put in. He showed me the X-ray, some real cyborg stuff. Now he's shopping for a new horse to get back in the saddle! I was quite touched by him and his wife, Jane. They sang songs together in delicate harmonies. They woke up at five in the morning to sit in front of their BFW (big fucking window) to drink their tea and coffee while watching the birds with the sunrise. I loved arguing with Richard and not arguing with Jane. We went to a trivia night at the bar together, my first ever trivia experience, and Jane came to the rescue when my horses got loose again. I found ‘em by the time she got to me, but her efforts were greatly appreciated.

Early morning route mapping. Ended up traveling a pipeline road through the mountains for four days, bypassing the roads. A welcome discovery - pipeline and powerline access roads! No cars, pretty country, straight lines, often water tanks for the cattle.

Living with my folks for the moment. They got this gorgeous one year old rescue right before time collapsed in on itself. She's become their big project and we are all grateful for Becky's companionship and the focus her training demands. My dad used to do a lot of things, but now he trains Becky, trains Becky and also trains Becky.

Mom also loves Becky and does some training. Becky prefers to always be on someone's lap. And if you pick up your phone in front of her she tries to swipe it out of your hand.

Here’s my mother expressing her political views through a spontaneous dance. No matter your political persuasion one cannot help but appreciate this impassioned piece of movement.

Mom took this photo of me on a sunny day with the forsythia. This banjo has been my first and only. I bought it 12 years ago. A fair amount of glue over the years, but it still works!

Here's another song for free. A song clearly written in another time recorded with my dear friend Dave Harrington. Hope you enjoy it. Or don't, whatever I don't care. Of course I care! I'm a fragile delicate flower. 

I'll be sending another letter out next week. Stay safe and sane. 
Goodness, 
G

Ps. Here are some of my favorite recs of music, pod, screen and book
GIDEON'S PANDEMITAINMENTS!
Movies
Ghost Dog, Way Of The Samurai by Jim Jaramusch starring Forrest Whittaker. Unfortunately I can’t find a place to stream it, but I'd buy the DVD for a special treat and then pass it around your neighborhood (after disinfecting it of course). I've watched this movie six times. It is unlike anything else I've seen. Deeply poignant, funny, entertaining and poetic. It features my favorite friendship I've seen in film. It subverts expectations every step of the way. (keywords: Hitman, Mafia, Samurai, Ice Cream, Hip Hop, Pigeons)

Birdman, or the unexpected virtue of ignorance by Alexandro Innaratu starring Michael Keaton. Streaming on Netflix or Amazon. This is maybe my all time favorite film. If you have nothing but disdain for New Yorkers and or actors I'd advise you skip it, otherwise I think it is beyond glorious, smart and wild. (keywords: One-shot, Super-UnHero, Drums, Theater, Ego, Critics, Toilet Paper)

Synechdoche New York by Charlie Kauffman starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Catherine Keener. Rent to stream on Amazon, Apple or Vudu for 3.99. This is a deeply poetic film. Not for easy passive watching, but for full heart-expanding submersion. My favorite Kauffman film and I love them all. If you're a person who needs to understand exactly what is happening all the time this might drive you nuts. (keywords: Meta, McArthur, Bold, Unapologetic)

TV SHOW
Better Things by Pamela Adlon on FX or Hulu. Start at the beginning of the series. This is one of my all time favorite shows by one of my all time favorite performers. The kids in it are awesome. Adlon does it all! Stars in it, directs it edits it. Brilliant deep dive into motherhood, family and the eccentricities and minutial hallelujahs of being a person with a heart. She also has a daughter named Gideon! So just know that's a thing you can do! Normally I feel very competitive towards other Gideons but I'm very pro more woman Gideons in the world. 

Podcasts
S-Town - I just spent five minutes trying to think of how to describe this. I can't. True story. Deeply surprising. I listened to it twice, both times in one sitting. It's seven hours, seven episodes, one story, 1,000 feelings. 
Two Years With Franz - My friend and one of my favorite artists Bianca Giaever made this deeply moving piece about Pulitzer Prize winning poet Franz Wright after his wife Beth gave her permission to go through 546 audio tapes he made while he was dying. It's such an unusual, thoughtful and vulnerable piece and I love it. 

Songs
The Arizona Yodeler by The Dezurick Sisters - Nothing says 1930's sisterly yodelwow like TAY.
What Do We Do by Bill Frisell - A good tune to put on repeat for 5-11 hours. 
Nagasaki performed by Cab Calloway, Composer, Lyricist: M. Dixon Composer, Lyricist: Henry Warren. I recommend learning this song exactly as Cab does it and singing it three times a day. 

Books (like podcasts and movies but they smell nice)
Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts, a widely disputed novel/memoir that takes place in India. If even 2% of the stuff in there really happened it is mind-blowing. It's a big one, about 800 pages, but a quick read ‘cause it is so juicy. 

Stranger In The Woods by Michael Finkel, about the famous hermit of North Pond Maine. Incredible story of a man who lived in the woods alone for 23 years, never saw a person except for saying "Hey" to a hiker once. Short book! Quick read. Deep thinks. Can't recommend it enough and completely true story. Came to it from a podcast. 

A Confederacy Of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole, published posthumously by his mother after desperately trying his whole life to get it out there. Very, very funny book.

Dance Moves
Spinning with some swaying - This is a classic but well suited for the spring season. Don't forget to stretch before.